What's this all about?

There is a disillusionment that is always lurking beneath the surface, once we start digging. On the surface life is a pretty little ride with some bumps. however when you start inquisition, it is like quicksand. You keep sinking in and the more you try, the deeper you sink
Engaging ourselves in daily chores and the circle of happiness, we create a protective shell or facade, to forcefully give our lives a meaning. These trappings cover up the meaninglessness of existence itself

As Sartre would have said it, there is no meaning or purpose to life. There is no justification and no reason to live. 

One of the key ways to deal with the real anguish of existing without reason is to keep ourselves distracted. The life which is a deep void will become unbearable if you are not distracted enough. "One of the first signs of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die" As put by Kafka
Trying to be successful, trying to be rich, trying to do charity and help others, falling in love, engaging ourselves in activities, these are all incredibly strong distractions. So much so that it almost convinces us to call these the 'purpose' itself
But you can either be unhappy or ignorant. The social construct of happiness falls on its face when you try to associate a real meaning to life, because there isn't any

If you have everything, how can you be unhappy? Because the concept of everything is a facade. When humans have everything, they start contemplating their own insignificance even more
The only advantage we have is that we are easily distracted and that keeps us away from that contemplation. And once you are past the point where your distractions won't sustain you, the only option is death

"Existence precedes Essence"

We are doomed to exist without purpose. All we are is what we do. That's all. There's nothing more, nothing deeper.And having the freedom to change what we do is a terrible responsibility.

And yet we choose the option of embracing the absurd and keep running. Because the only other option is death.

You keep running and you never look back

Destiny

I always wonder
how
I can lose myself in you
again and again
couple of lost souls
meandering
through the nuances of triviality
yet smitten
like a bumblebee
drunk in love
with the queen of flowers
I love you more today
than yesterday
and will love you more
tomorrow
through thick and thin
and through joy and sorrow

The greatest game ever played in UCL

Being a Manchester United fan has spoiled me over the last 2 decades. Being used to success has become second nature. Things have gone downhill in last few years after the great Fergie decided to put his coat up the hanger. And thus have ensued many European nights of delights. Whether be it the first great UCL game witnessed by me when United overcame Bayern Munich at Camp Nou on 26th May 1999. The night which cemented my loyalty towards United. Or whether it is the amazing night in Moscow when unlucky Terry slip gifted us the trophy. Or the Night of the stars at Old Trafford when Real Madrid visited us and we beat them 4-3. though losing on overall goal tally. The night that belonged to the great Brazillian - Ronaldo Nazario. However my favorite European Night came in the form of a non United match. There have been quite a few great contenders over the years, most importantly the heart racing night in Istambul when Pool turned the tables on Milan in second half. A night that will go down in the memories as one of the greatest that Europe has seen or the Chelsea Monaco 2nd leg at Stamford bridge when Monaco overcame the Blues. But for me this honor goes to the monumental match at Highbury when Real Visited Arsenal for the round of 16 second leg in March 2006 (Still hazy on the exact date). This was arguably the biggest tie in the history of Arsenal Football club in Europe. Metting the Galacticos at Bernabeu and then back home in London looked to be a tasty affair. However no one was giving Arsenal a chance at the tie. The Los Blancos boasted of an enviable group of stars - Zizou, Becks, Ronaldo, Figo, Raul, Carlos and Casillas. What seemed like an initial cakewalk for the Whites suddenly toppled when Henry in form of his life silenced Bernabeu in one of his most memorable performances. That was a shocking blow. Arsenal came out winners in the first leg 1-0. Real pushed and pushed but Arsenal held their own. They were resilient, resilient to the core. And they were a team I grew up hating as they were the real competition to United in the early 2000s. But this was just the first leg. This was Real Madrid. They were bound to come on top in the second leg. 2 weeks later, they met in 'The Big Smoke'. North London never had such decorated visitors before. It was truly the city if joy and festivities.

The kick off time in India was around 12:45 that night. I was glued to the TV, those were different days. There was nothing to distract me. This was a night that I couldn't miss even intentionally. Blancos were in town. What followed was a night that will stay with me till the grave.

How many nil-nil encounters have sent your blood pumping and your eyes widening? Probably few. But none like this. What London saw that night was miracle. Arsenal overcame Real 1-0 based on the advantage that their Talisman had provided in the first leg. However this 0-0 became a thing of folklore. This match literally defined what we call casually 'end to end stuff'. Reyes hit the woodwork twice in the match while Raul on the other hand hit it once on a brilliant first time effort. The match was like an adrenaline rush. It was 90 minutes of relentlessness. Attack after attack. Alexander Hleb was in the form of his life. Dictating the midfield which feature names like Zidane, Beckham and Guti on the other side. Henry was at his sublime best, controlling the final third. Real threw everything at Arsenal, Robninho had great moments, Beckham came close twice only to be denied by Lehmann and some desperate defending. Ronaldo was denied once in the early stages of the match. Every moment of the match literally comes alive whenever I think of it. Imagine this scene. The match is in its last few moments, Real have a corner, Casillas is up in the box as well. This is now or never. Desperate times requiring desperate measures. Robert Pires shot from the half-way line, but Robert Carlos raced back to clear off the line. Martin Tyler and Andy Gray almost became breathless = 'He never stops running' . These were the lines from an exasperated Tyler. I am sure they had one of the hardest days of their life, commentating on such a spectacle. When match was over, viewers around the world would have been sweating like the players on the pitch. Ronaldo and Henry exchanged shirts. It was a loss for Madrid but the qualms didnt look obvious. It was a night to behold for the players, viewers and everyone alike.

The season turned out quite good for the Gunners as they made their way to the Finals where they were eventually shut down by another Spanish giant in Barcelona. Many European nights have passed, but I am still to feel that intensity, that adrenaline that I felt that night in London. It was as if I was in the middle of the action. This match single handedly summed Champions League to me. I will like to present a small Ode to those great European nights before shutting up

It's midnight,everything silent
few dogs bark, a few lament

This is the night of stars

A silver cup and so many wars

Mingling into those realms

These sleepless nights and million dreams

The ultimate glory, the ultimate pride

Many fall, the best survive

The best stories are being told 

Europe at war, Behold!

Belitung

The afternoon had suddenly turned dark. The waves were strong enough to engulf the whole village. Far south, thunders were visible, as if they wanted to break the banks, as if there was no tomorrow. Villagers seemed unperturbed by the turn of events. Storms were friends to them. They kept sipping their teas and singing hymns

She was scared, she felt the wrath of the thunder gods. Fragile and almost weightless. She was sexy when she was weightless. 

"We should head back to our guest house. The waves are getting higher and crazier. And the wind feels like swooping me off my feet"

During most such instances, it was me who would be shying away from getting up close and personal with nature, while she would always be the fluttering butterfly, ready to melt into the realms. However today was different, there was certain defiance within me. Somehow I wanted to be part of this storm with her, within her. Somehow I was not bothered about getting soaked, or my phone getting wet, at the cost of my soul remaining dry

"Its alright, we can enjoy the rain today, lets ride around on the bike for some time before heading back. The rain is a sweet smell of promise of good times. Good times do not stay forever"

And then we got drenched till our bones. We got swooped off our feet, we rode into the storm and came out clean and dry.

We laughed and cried with the songs of the rain, our laughter melting slowly into the sound of the rain...

The conversation

We are entangled
In our own soliloquy
Shhhhing.. the ocean
Bereft sometimes, often smitten
Just keep holding me tight,
for all my weak moments
Rest just the night

Absent Friends

"And I'm up while the dawn is breaking, even though my heart is aching. I should be drinking a toast to absent friends instead of these comedians."

Sometimes,
The warm feeling trickles down
The painful bliss, a shiny tinsel town
A silent hallway in my dreams
A lonely place full of screams

The absence of temperance
The sweetness of penance
I look in the mirror every passing day
The only missing thing is 'Sugar's absence

Mismatched Eternities

I am quixotic
I seek the ravine
A big beautiful escape
Rest, just the night

You dangle
You love, you are the blossom
A calm in this mind numbing chaos
Won't you just hold me tight?

We are entangled
in the midst of this eternal storm
Swinging our realities
to elude our miserable plight

Our fires are burning through the stones
The cacophony retreats, it shrieks
Cutting through the entrails of this cage
We sit here waiting to explode

Knowing that it would be alright!

Nothing but ripples

You say the sand
beneath your feet
is hot
You lie
for your grievance
is nothing
But a reflection of
water in desert
which turns to smoke

I am a fool
trying to walk
In a house with no floor
But I know
the debris are real

The pain is true
the wounds fresh
the darkness
the death
I know it's real

The promiseland is almost here
but my feelings
just sore
I maybe don't even
want to get there
anymore
The light at the end
is hope but fickle
All you created for me
was nothing but ripples

The inn

this is the lonliest bar in town
it cures loneliness
and depression
sometimes it cures suicide
but most of the times
it cures me from the agony of sobriety
and my life from the darkness of longevity

The Last Hangover

Everyone in their lives go through a phase when beauty means everything to them. Chasing butterflies makes whole world of sense, running after bees looks like the best sport and throwing stones in sad waters create ripples. Anxious crickets make terrible noises at night, their wails ricochets against each other, telling tales of barren nights and forgotten deeds.

One of those mornings while I was pursuing one of the red striped blue butterflies, I encountered an unwelcome surprise. Blocking the way was a horrible garden lizard. Filthy in nature, staring directly into my eyes, stripping me through. I froze in my strides, I watched how the most beautiful creature in my garden was  becoming pray to the most menacing devil around. Within seconds, there was no butterfly and the lizard had vanished somewhere in the bushes. My childhood was scarred beyond comprehension. I had sleepless nights thinking of the lizard, filled with dark memories of how he ruthlessly killed the pure butterfly.

By the time I got over the nightmare, I was already grown up. I didn't remember the dream, but I know there was a moment of sorrow engulfed deep within. But now I was beyond the trivial things like a butterfly and a garden lizard. Nights also lost their importance as I wouldn't go out to see the stars. I was a mess of moolah and ignorance. Holding myself in high-esteem. Laughing at the world.

When the war started, it was just rumors about the enemy striking any moment, but I was least bothered. I was sure, I would make it through, no matter what or how. I would visit the local saloon, stare at women. Their terrified faces amazed me. I would order another one of those gins that was the specialty of that place.

I tried to replay last night's events in my head but it was all blank. Where was I, what was I doing, who I was with. Nothing. Just Blank. and Darkness.

I remembered ordering my favorite gin, followed by a cab ride to the party. A few shots of tequila and I was shown to a table. Then some glasses of wine, the dance and then nothing. All I remembered was a loud noise, some sort of explosion and everything went black again. I closed my eyes again to focus on the events of last night but no success again. I put my glasses back on and I was horrified beyond imagination. Every single inch of my walls was occupied by lizards. I freaked out beyond imagination. So many lizards, making some distinct noise. They were all staring at me, stripping me through. The war had just gotten worse. It was me against a whole army. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All I managed was to close my eyes and hope that the world will be a better place once I open it.

Slowly and silently all of them started closing down on me. They were moving slowly towards me, in a horrific motion that almost made me numb. Then there was the leader, the biggest of them all. It had red eyes and a slithery tongue. Inching towards me slowly, my jaws jammed in horror and one last move and silence

Sunlight was filtering shallowly through the slits in the window. One of the rays was particularly vengeful towards me and was staring me straight. In the backdrop, coming back to life was playing in a twisted melancholy. My will to carry on sleeping was interrupted by a loud thud in the attic. Lazily and quite unwillingly I motivated to do a round up of what made the sound. And my efforts were vaporized in vain when I could not locate anything. it might have been the prolonged effect of the last night alcoholic endeavors. Back to my bed, I covered my eyes with the blanket and spat on the sun's face. The early morning dissolved into eerie silence broken randomly by birds outside.

The silence drifted me into a dream. There she was, she was all tears, all love. "I dont want to be a mom, I will never be a mom, we shall adopt kids. You would hate me once I become fat. I will be ugly and useless, you would hit me without reasons". And then she hugged me tightly, tigher than an affectionate hug, it was almost strangeling me. She was trying to strangle me; I put all my efforts to get her off me. And there she was, the leader of the lizards.

"wont you kiss me?"
"get off..what are you..?"
"Kiss me please. Dont hate me"

And there she was back again. I started crying. I kissed her like never before. I was trying to calm her. I kept hugging her till she slowly evaporated in my arms

I drank more, I drank till I passed out on the floor. When I woke up it was past dusk.I was shivering, I was paranoid. Something was around, something was stalking me. There were strange whispers outside. Was it another one of those practical jokes that my friends so often pulled on me? My panic led me to switch on all the lights in the room, the bathroom. Even the mantlepiece. I closed the curtains. Shut off the windows and just laid back on the armchair. I planned to keep myself awake the whole night to avoid whatever danger was lurking around me

There were gunshots being fired outside, random sounds of some explosion. Even my sense of security was going awry. There was a lizard on the wall. I took out my bat and smashed the creature. There was blood all over. The room was spluttered with small fragments of skin and meat. The head was nowhere to be seen. The enemy was defeated. The gunshots outside seized, there were no explosions. My eyes became heavy, this was going to be a long sleep. Something I had not had for ages. The war was over.

And then the biggest explosion I had ever heard

I woke up with a start. My head felt like a rock. I looked around, it was all white and gleaming. I had never felt so heavy before in my life, this had to be the worst hangover of them all. And then the picture became clearer. It was a hospital. There were people around me, they were all looking at me. Their eyes were sympathy and joy at the same time

I had lost my arms and legs

I was like a limbless lizard

I laughed and slept

2011-2012 SeasonPreview

Yet again the speculations are high and the beginning 2 weeks have been of great turbulence, both on and off the pitch. The longest running transfer saga of Fabregas returning to the ‘club he supported as a boy’, finally came to an end. The opening weekend marred by civil protests and riots in London and other areas of England haven’t really helped and its almost perturbing that Spurs haven’t played a single match despite first 2 weekends being over. Nevertheless, the season is in fact up and kicking and here are my predictions for the upcoming campaign.

Champions:

Man United: Can’t see anyone else tipping them off. Last season, despite being one of the weakest United sides of recent history, the comfort in which the title was eventually won, alarmed pundits all across about the dipping quality of English teams. United are still to forget the pain inflicted upon them by the great assembly of Players in Barcelona and the departure of old dogs such as Van der Sar, Neville and in particular Scholes has created a void which will take time to fill. Although the recent signings will try to put up a performance themselves but it won’t be easy at the Trafford. De Gea, Jones, Young, Cleverly and Welback will need to outperform themselves to be a United player. Schneider’s signing could be pivotal for the season. Still can’t see them matching Barca unless some real injection of talent comes. Easy league title but the Champions League Title will keep eluding them this year too.

Runner Up:

Chelsea: For all their oil based money, the blue half of Manchester will finally succumb to the huge expectations. Chelsea with a manager who is being compared to “the chosen one” himself looks a man with an intelligent head above his shoulders. Despite the rejection of Modric’s bid twice, Chelsea aren’t still out of the transfer market and with signing of Mata complete, Roman is still leaving his checkbook open for more spending. El Nino needs to hit form soon and the aging legs of Lampard and Terry will be put to test. Malouda, Kalou and Anelka have to prove their worth against the millions of Citeh. Semi Finals in UCL is on the cards if the last week of transfer market is taken care of. Will finish 2nd above city by 5 points.

3rd Place:
Manchester City: Being in the shadow of their neighbors has been a painful experience for the citeh, and the inflow of huge amount of Douche by the Emirates, they look poised to challenge for the tital. The addition of Aguero can be a killer blow for all the opponents and Tevez more or less looks likely to stay. Hence with a frontline of Tevez, Aguero, Dzeko, Ballotelli and the sure shot dispensable Bellamy, Adebayor and Roque, can make even Madrid eat their pants. Despite such a flattering strike force, the man they need to shine is Silva. Their aim of playing in the UCL has finally been fulfilled and they are going to be a serious title challenger but a post Christmas pressure will lead to an eventual slump and take them behind Chelsea in the table. The addition of Nasri might be a key factor and the Community Shield loss to United will ask questions about the strength in character.

4th Place:

Tottenham Hotspur: The last season proved to be a mixed affair with gigantic wins again both the Milan Giants followed by an almost average performance in domestic league. A lot will depend on whether Harry can keep Luka and get rid of squad players such as Krankjar and Crouch. Playing in UEFA Cup will make the season tiring. A domestic cup is also on the cards but besides that they will do wonders to finish in top 4. Diarra is on his way to the Lane while Adebayor signing is also reaching a conclusion. Besides that Harry has a good squad to shrug off the challenge from Pool and Wenger’s lads.

5th Place:

Liverpool: King Kenny’s reign has come at a cost of more than 100 million spending on Carroll, Suarez, Downing, Henderson, Adams, Enrique and Doni. But still they didn’t look much of a title challenger all weekend. Sunderland matched them at most fronts. The only consolation was Adams and Downing not fazed by the strong demands of home fans and Suarez continuing to be as brilliant as ever. Things might get better when Gerrard returns, but it still will be a lot of work to do before a team can be formed out of the squad. This is not the winning time but more of a rebuilding time. A league cup/ FA cup might come home for Anfielders. But they will remain knocked off their perch for some years to come

6th Place:

Arsenal: Perhaps the most disturbing season for Arsene Wenger awaits. Last year, their chase for 4 trophies vaporized within a month and this season the slump keeps continuing. With Fabregas finally making a move from a talismanic captain to a bench-warming role and Nasri almost sure to go for higher wages tournament being held in Man City, Wenger’s problems just keep growing. So much hush about buying Samba, Cahill, Jagielka bit nothing coming out of it. They have a severely depleted squad putting huge pressure on Walcott, Wilshire and Persie. Vermalean looks to be commanding but a serious need for his partner still awaits. More enforcement needed in attack too else top 4 may elude them for longer than just this season. The crowd has finally lost its faith and patience in Wenger who seems to be building a team for future for a very long time now. 6 years of dry spell hasn’t really helped.

7th, 8th and 9th:

Everton, Wolves and Villa: In no particular order. Calling Wolves a top 10 contender in itself a bold move but I can see them tipping off Villa and Everton in this particular run. Their last year survival was a miracle of some sort but they have really built strongly after that with good sums at disposal of Mic Mac. Everton as usual will be doing wonders against top teams with uncharacteristic defeats against the minnows and Villa need a lot of reshaping after departure of their 2 best players in Downing and Young. N’Zogbia seems to be a good buy though and Villa will be up there among top 10 throughout the season

10th, 11th, 12th and 13th:

Newcastle, Fulham, Stoke and West Brom: in no particular order:. Fulham are playing in Europe again and that might take a toll on the players. Despite having a good squad, they might just find it hard to go through the season with ease as they might have to play more than 14 games if their Europa run continues. Dempsey, Zamora, Johnson will have huge part to play. Coming to Newcastle, the departure of Enrique to Pool and Nolan to West Ham has left voids and the bad boy in good form – Barton isn’t really a toon lately but Newcastle have shown character, after a dismal season, they started brilliantly against Arsenal and a strong win against fierce rivals Sunderland has already got Ashley sipping more beers. Stoke again have been the best promoted team in last 5 seasons, their adventures in Europe telling the story of not just survival in top flight but how far they have come of age. In Pulis they have one of the best managers around. Their accolades also included an FA Cup final appearance and they will be back in their Britannia ‘Arena’. They are almost impossible to beat at home and a good away run might even see them breaking into top 10. Signing Shane Long was a shrewd move by Roy Hodgson who seems to relish the chance of upgrading mid table teams. He did it with Fulham and he is all set to do it with the Baggies. West Brom are going to be too good to fall into the relegation battle and a good run in a cup is expected. This campaign will mostly go into consolidation for Hodgson and 2 years down the line a consistent top 10 finish may be guaranteed but again this is EPL we are talking about.

14th, 15th, 16th and 17th:

Sunderland, Bolton, QPR and Norwich: Black Cats have lost perhaps their best young talent to Liverpool and this season will be a test of Bruce’s character. Though apparent lack of quality might hinder their progress. The departure of Bent to Villa has been a huge blow and signing of Brown, Oshea and Wickham might prove decisive. Should finish above Bolton though if Owen Coyle can get the best out of Davies, Taylor and Jussi then things may just change. If last season was any symptom then Bolton after losing 7 out of their last 9 league games were worst performers after Christmas except for Hammers. Not a lot of additions in the squad and seems like heading for narrow escape from the drop zone and a very dull season. QPR backed by huge sums of money did well to hold on to the Charismatic Taraabt and look a good outfit, though the opening day mauling by Bolton made a harsh welcome to the premiership life. Will be tough but they will stay up. They have more quality on the pitch compared to fellow promotion holders. Paul Lambert made a remarkable transformation at Norwich by getting them to the Premier League and looks focused enough to keep them there. Although in EPL your focus can be the last thing that can help you survive. They will have to fight till the last day of the championship to retain their league status but somehow I see them holding off the challenge from Wigan and survive

18th:

Wigan:

Wigan have stretched their luck too far and too often. A number of miraculous escapes on the final day of the season have seen them survive the top flight for a tad too long. This year I guess their luck has finally ran out. Martinez stayed but NZogbia didn’t and Cleverly went back to Manchester United, totally baptized. Rodallega and McCarthy will be crucial for them but somehow they will fall short this time round

19th:

Swansea City:

Brendan Rodgers has been one of the most prodigal coaches that the nation has seen for some time. Back to back promotions and now into the league through play offs. The Welsh team are living a dream. George Graham, Lita and Wayne Routledge will be the focus players who will need to give their best if the swans have any chance to stay in the top flight. Although in the end it might just prove a task too tough. They will be more like the Blackpools of last year, brave and lovable yet might slip down.

20th:

Blackburn Rovers:

Blackburn made a late escape last season as Steve Kean struggled throughout the latter half of the season. Little has happened this season except the flabbergasting rumors of Kaka, Ronaldinho and Robinho signing for them (Quite a Brazilian flavor for Indian owners). The departure of Jones to United was devastating. And if their defensive giant Samba is to leave, the final nail in the coffin will be stuck. Can’t see Steve Kean getting past Christmas without sacking. Might turn out one of the most horrific season ever for the once championship winners in times of Shearer.

Vertigo

He was wearing that typical Che Guevara T-shirt that has never left him since he joined college. That was the one of the most convenient ways of recognizing him in a crowd of similar dumbs.

“hey, whats up with your Che Tee? “ I said slapping him on his back as he sat there in the dingiest of bars in Banaras. He was sipping on his AC Black with a small filtered Win fulfilling the smoke cravings. I had just returned from an internship in Mumbai with one of the leading Investment Banks to complete my final year in college and then get placed in an even bigger firm. I had developed quite a penchant for the high class pubs and wandering hippie girls with long hair and their liberal notions and tendencies. And in his presence I certainly felt devoid of my insecurities, elevated from his lowly life and so much more hip

He gave his usual lop sided grin, “I thought it looked cool”. He lacked an apparent irony, and no matter how innocent his reply was, I was already feeling bad. I felt intellectually hurt. I wanted him to give him a lecture about Che and what he did to the world that results in every Tom, Dick and Harry wearing one of those Viva La Revolucion T-Shirts. But then I restrained myself, he wouldn’t have understood anyways.

“hmm, seems like you are pretty cool, dude. The t-shirt matches your personality too”. There was no way even a bimbo was going to miss the sarcasm in my voice but somehow it just flew over his head.

“This is cool fashion man, something like banging head and smoking up”. That summed up his understanding of the world and spirituality brought upon by nationalist feelings of Guevara

He was one of the most confused and dumb person I had ever met in my life. The only thing that related us was that we played in the same band, and he somehow, despite being incredibly obtuse, was a gifted guitar player. Perhaps the best I have ever seen. But as it happened in due course, my ambitions started to take a toll on my recently grown passions and I had to divert from drums practice during third year of my college. Most of our band mates had dispersed, getting good internships somewhere, with him the only one left behind in college doing a project with a proff as he couldn’t score an internship. He kept creating music, smoking up and living in his cell.

And every time I met him, he would rave about some defunct heavy metal band from the 80s or some obscure 70s progressive band like Uriah Heep. During the free time during summers, he managed to gather a band of his own, which was an achievement as he was perhaps most unpopular of all the lot in a place where being in a rock band was like being part of an Oscar winning movie starring against Bonham Carter and playing Hannibal Lecter. So his newly assembled group of headbangers did the cover of Santana's Black Magic Woman each and every night. Sometimes they played it twice or thrice in a single day. And when it was not Santana, they would play, No woman No cry. I cried almost everytime out of boredom and their too small a set list.

He would pity me every now and then. “Bro, I see potential in you, you’d make up a great drummer. Just pick up the sticks and join us in the garage” He strummed a riff from Satisfaction

“But you don’t have a garage, do you? You guys practice in the common room of our hostel. And the drum kit is shabby, and moreover I have things to do friend!!”

“yeah, I mean you can practice with us as long as you are hanging around, you look a natural” I almost took offence at this as I considered him the worst judge of a person, in fact worst judge of everything. But I somehow didn’t feel like saying no to him as I wasn’t up to much anyways.

One day he took me to meet another group of Jammers who were practicing some pretty hardcore metal stuff. They all looked like descending directly from hell with their weird hairstyles and awkward jargons. Their room smelled of pot. And then one of them asked “Hey Bro, can I borrow your crybaby, your wah-wah? And the drummer handed him the foot-pedal. They told me, that following Nirvana was cool, Pink Floyd was cooler but the killer following was of Jim Morrison, it was coolest. I laughed at all their notions. It was all so kiddish and wannabe. I hated this bunch of kids with instruments in their hands, toking up and crying to change the world.

And that’s where it all started.

“Dude, I am going to play in the youth fest, we won the inter university championship and now they are calling us to Gangtok to take part in the National youth Fest. It’s going to be awsome”

I felt a bit jealous of his joy. I had never felt so happy ever in my life, but then again he was happy everytime. He was such a moron that he could not control his hormones to shed tears in sorrow and smile in joy. He was always happy in the end.

“yeah that’s cool, so when are you guys leaving?”

“well, what? Aren’t you coming along?” – He was shocked that I was not being a part of his stupid plan

“Well Dude, I got to get back to my internship in Mumbai, I just took a week’s break to come home, I have to go back in a day or two. But yeah, good luck to you and your endeavors. “

And then it happened. I came to know from my college friends that he never came back after the youth fest. It almost became a folklore in our campus about the most stupid student who ever came to our college, who turned out to be the best guitarist it had seen and who never returned back from the mystic Far East.

After doing a lot of research I found out the truth about what exactly happened while he went to the fest in Sikkim.

His performance was at prime of its beauty, the town was dancing to his songs. He played Freebird, Roadhouse Blues, Communication breakdown and Comfortably Numb there. He was the overnight superhero of the place. The band won the competition and he was awarded the best musician award. All of a sudden he was feeling light, he had money, he could do things that he wanted to.

He even planned upon buying another Che Tee and Adidas Shoes, that always eluded him because of his low pocket money; There was so much he could do now.

“So dude, how do you plan to spend this money?”

“Well! I thought over it. I am gonna travel with the money. Will try saving some if I can and will be back in a month”

“But what about those Adi Shoes? And what about college? This is final year mate, you are going to get placed”

“Well I thought about that as well. I don’t really need shoes right now, these sneakers are doing well and moreover College has been over for me long time back. I am not going to pass anyways, leave apart getting a job. My college is over”

He emphasized on the word ‘over’. He wanted his emotions felt.

“So where are you planning to go? Have you thought anything?”

“nah, haven’t planned, but yeah will be hitch hiking mostly. Will travel on foot and will explore Indo-Tibet regions of North East mostly”

“well, then cya soon mate, you really ROCKED”

And that was the last conversation anyone ever had with him. After he set on his travels, he never returned, although he became a legend in college as “the ultimate traveler” and a several other names.

Time kept flying and hence changed things. I got a big job and started a family in Seattle. His disappearance became a lost strand of thought in some distant memory. And then one good day, I drove out of my workplace into a highway jammed with cars. The noise was unbearable making my insides feel hollow. I had an unfamiliar feeling of déjà vu. I felt lost in place and time. There was a thunderstorm arriving from far east, and it made my heart ache. It reminded me of him, the one who got lost. I suppressed a sudden desire to turn my car and try and follow the source of the storm. It felt impossible to extricate myself from the turbulence surrounding me.

“honey, it’s me. Hey listen I got something to tell you. There was this friend of mine”….and I explained everything to her. And then I told her my hopeless quest to find him. She was aghast at the idea but then later on she felt the desire, the unrest that I had been going through and reluctantly agreed. I told her that if I don’t find him in a week, I will return back to the so called Normal Life I was leading.

The thing called Internet which was just a myth five years back had reached a new level of penetration among general population and we the tech savvy, well informed generation knew how to use it.

And then there was a thing called Google. It was modern Day version of God, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient. It knew everything. I tried different searches regarding story of a college guy who got lost in the jungle and after 3-4 tries, there he was, distinctively recognizable. He hadn’t changed a bit in last 5 years, he looked the same with his stupid grin of his. But what struck me, and struck me hard was that he was some Lama in a Sikkimese Monastery. From what I knew about Lamas was that they were people very high up the hierarchy among Buddhist Monks, perhaps highest.

2 days later, I was riding down a dense forest lane when the truck suddenly slowed down. I looked at the driver, old and ornery, he started to inspect the rear tires.

“well, you do have a spare one, don’t you?”

He glowered at me and then went to the side of the truck and squatted there. Deliberately, he took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and started to smoke.

I realized after quarter of an hour that he was not going to move so I decided to cover the remaining distance on feet unless off course I could find another lift.

And then I shaded my eyes and looked at the horizon. Far off, I could see a colorful flutter of flags of a monastery. My curiosity was reaching a climax, it was almost unbearable to quench my desire to know. I didn’t know what exactly I was seeking, I had just been running, felt like I had even lost interest in meeting an old friend, the one who got lost. How ironical it was, the one who got lost was the one who knew it all and here I was apparently having everything and still so lost.

When I entered the meditation hall, it was covered in saffron and gold. And there he was, surrounded by a big entourage. I had to suppress a desire to laugh when people started rustling and bowing around him.

“Lets talk about life”

And all the whispers died down instantaneously. There was a serene calm about the way he spoke.

And then he kept speaking. I felt embarrassed by the simplicity of his ideas. I just wondered, what would I have been doing had I been at home, probably checking stock quotes, having a beer, watching a life sucking sitcom, a movie, football… everything just felt apart by his ideas. I had felt so complete in my assurance, about my own superiority. In intellectual as well as material sense and particularly in comparison to the least intelligent person I had ever met in my life.

And then he spoke

“Compassion is something intrinsic to all sentient beings” and everything around us dissolved. And that was when I started feeling awe and shame. Compassion was the word….

Vertigo

And then clarity.

I decided to meet him after the session and discuss how has life been…

I thought it would be a good life now, good enough!!!!

ViRiLiTy

Her conflicts of wanting and non wanting
Her desire
To hold on
Or let go
Afraid of bizarre seductions
Tired of giving in
And putting efforts
Being left with
Her feminism undone
And craving

Her appreciation for pure
Love for beautiful and strong
Her hatred for failings
Fear of love
An amalgation of cold and spite

And then in the mist
Her eyes meet the master’s
“oh, he is the best creation of God
But there is no God
The world will ruin him, so I should destroy him before”
She surrenders, succumbs
She invites his virality
He invades her singularity
He was a master in
Possession of her slave

The rape of pride
Virility’s victory ride

Not a word spoken

Master! You’re not the rapist anymore
You are now the victim
You are slave to my passion
You have been tricked
And now you cannot resist me

Your virility is now your servility

the pursuit

Our pursuit of happiness is the soul driving factor in our lives. Its mere presence makes it worthwhile waking up everyday, dressing ourselves to the occasion,wearing our masks and be presentable. Its perpetual hunt for our realisation that deep down keeps us ticking and even the most cynical and nihilistic of individuals end up craving for it. By the way, coming to wearing our masks so that we are fit for any occasion what so ever it may be is the most important part of our lives. But it also ends up in making us prone to the world’s naïve accusations. As one of my friend quoted once ‘wear the mask cos people don’t really want to see who we are inside, they love the face we show them; but again don’t wear the mask cos the moment they realise you’re wearing it, they’ll lose every bit of faith in you’. But despite the misgivings it breeds, we always wear a mask. And so did Alpha. All his life he believed he lived by his own rules, he chose his life rather than being thrown into the alley and left to fight. Every morning he woke up, he used to admire himself for being himself. He felt as if the sun, the moon and the rain were all for him. He felt happy without really looking beneath the surface. He felt supreme, someone who could take the world for a ride, then he would dress up to the occasion and prepare for his workplace. He was living a life where there was no pursuit of happiness. He knew he was happy and that his chase has ended with him driving his life around. In his office, he felt even more powerful as if the sense of self importance dawned over him. In his office he was an important man, much more important than at home. He liked his work and felt like the ‘el capitano’ working with people who he considered much inferior to himself. He could make them feel timid, he could impress his bosses at will without caring for the steps taken in the deal. He felt as if he was working with a bunch of unintelligent apes who were all working to make him feel better. This was his narcissism. This was his playground and he made people play according to his rules.

And then it happened one day. He was ill, decidedly! He was so well forever! He was feverish, horribly feverish, or rather in a state of feverish enervation, which made his mind suffer as much as his body. He had woken up from a violent dream and his insides felt hollow. He could not remember what was the dream but he knew nothing could have been a worse nightmare. He was sweating heavily, his pulse was high, eyes dilated and nerves highly strung

But somehow he managed to regain his conscious and tried to sleep. Within minutes his sense of self overpowered the bad dream and he was snoring loudly again

He stayed alone in a big house with no one to bother. His girlfriend, who he used to mock often in front of his friends, wanted to move in with him but he wouldn’t let that happen lest it should interfere with his life and may tamper his happiness. He was perfect being in his own groove and didn’t want to disrupt the utopia he had managed in his life. His friends knew him and hence they also didn’t care much to intrude and be a part of his life. He made them all believe that he was happy and slowly they believed him. So during their conversations it was him who had no problems and he used to consult people about their lives. He used to tell his friends a million things they should change in themselves to be happy, to be like him

And finally this mask became his flesh

Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress

And so his life reflected love, antipathy, charity, or malice without him even knowing it. Here we must also understand that our sense of importance is also the product of the world making itself vulnerable and small. And so Alpha was a result of the misfortune of the world and his awareness of the beauty that he was

Mondays were never good for him as he had to go to office after his crisp weekends; but this Monday wasn’t particularly encouraging. In fact the same thing continued on Tuesday and Wednesday. Somehow he had lost grip at office. People were not that apprehensive and when he tried asking his colleague for a coffee, she had the firmness enough to say no to him. His perception of things and people suffered a blow.

Reality exists independent of consciousness

Rand’s definition of objectivism points to the realisation of a philosophy for living on earth. As she mentions in Atlas Shrugged - My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute

The next thing that happened was his girlfriend ditching him calling him a loser. The word loser ripped him apart. He always though others as being losers, much more inferior or to be precise ‘humane’ than him. It seemed as if the whhole world was focussed upon making him feel done. Nothing was going right for him or nothing was going the way he predicted or preferred.

An atheist, who always believed in making the world a place fit for him, himself, had been shaken. His conscious, existence and identity all came under scrutiny. No matter how hard he tried, things kept getting worse. In the end he had to revert back to the priests to overcome his pain. But none of them could come up with a satisfactory explanation for his life to be undone within days for which he nourished himself so long.

And one day returning from work, when he had almost decided that he was going to end the life that he could not control, he saw him. He was light, he was Shiva, he was desire, he was delirium. He was everything that Neil Gaiman mentions in Endless Nights - Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Despair, Desire and Delirium- He was everything that a man needed to forget survival and start living. He was LIFE

Alpha started following him. He wasn’t even sure whether it existed or not. Whether he was hallucinating under the influence of the drug given by one of the chemists or whether it was the coke like material given by the priest. But somewhere in his head he knew that this man was going to be his destiny. So he kept following. He didn’t know how much time elapsed. The man was not stopping and nor was he. He did not eat, he started losing his clothes in the way as well. He didn’t care whether the world was looking at him and laughing. He just knew that nothing mattered at all except following the man. Slowly the man was changing shape and then he became a large bird. It started flying towards the hills and its speed also increased in the way. He had hard time keeping a track and to follow it. They had been travelling for many days. He had lost track of time, hunger, greed, animosity , everything. He felt pure from inside but his only desire remained to follow the bird that was now changing shape and became a shape he didn’t recognise. It was something from his dream. It was his dream that had woken him up violently one night. It was the dream

The bird finally changed to dream, and he knew he had to follow the dream. His insides felf like heaven. He knew he had been purified. All his desires had left him. He was conscious of everything now

He felt like he could control the elements of nature, he could neutralise the effects of evil influences and the antagonistic dark forces of the nature. He could nullify destiny for there was no destiny. He was the IMMORTAL SELF

And then the dream vanished into nothingness

In front of him was the peak, taller than any other thing the nature ever created and he could see a dim light at the top of the peak. He always knew what he had to do and he set off for his never ending journey

When you lose small mind
You free your life

XYZ & ABC

XYZ is anything, a book, a movie, a person, a notion, you or me

several of my friends among ABC meet/read/watch/feel XYZ and here are the several responses

1. Nani : Abe XYZ chutiya(p) hai
2. Pablo: Abe hehehe, XYZ kuchh nahi hota, bone, bone, bone!
3. Manuj: Abe sale XYZ frustu hai, par sala hum sabse jyada frustu hain
4. Prakhar_Ank: Shi ha bhi XYZ
5. Adarsh: XYZ is right, but in your perception, like 3 idiots
6. Nishant Singh the sinner: XYZ koi maal hai kya? detail me batao
7. Sanju Dada: XYZ to achha hai. are wo chhodo, IAS nikalo
8. Nandit : XYZ is over rated, startup idea no 4
9. Amarto: Saale XYZ dekh, tu bhoolega nahi ki maine recommend kiya tha
10.Pandey: Abe ro kya raha hai
11.Pushpendra: abe XYZ chhod, facebook par status me hi daal dete hain

Things girls told me about myself

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it’s cute. 3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger. 13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long. 34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding. 46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?

hierarchy!!

vicious circle!!!

He was shaking and sobbing silently in a corner. His head revolving and his body crumpled up. he didn't even know why he had been feeling like crying, yelling at nothing in particular. The doorbell rang and he opened the door. his wife was standing there, smiling at him, purely and innocently. he thought of her again and again, felt like giving her all the love in the world. She came inside and kissed him on his lips. She even looked worried at him being overworked and tired.
She was the love of his life, and they have known each other for years, married hardly for a week though and it had become a routine for him to cry silently in her absence and he never had a reason.Although they had sex many a times before marriage, he hadnt been able to make love to her afterwards due to some invisible wall that had popped up between them.
She went to sleep in an hour and he was standing in the balcony staring into the nothingness, which he had so long thought as his own but now he could not find his solace rewarded. He was missing something, albeit everything had gone according to the plan. He had joined a big firm after college, had been earning sufficiently and married the girl he always wanted to. he had stayed 8 years in company of his friends, at college and at his place of work. he felt empty without them. he went over to the cupboard and took out the 12 years old Johnny Walker and drank a few sips and laid down on the floor half conscious and yelled
"motherfuckers ! where have you all been?"

and he stepped into a dream where he was with his friends with whisky in his hand and missing the love of his life.

as it is!!

you run
in vicious circles
alone, aghast
your fear of
my dreaded bliss
haunts your past
your hollow laughter
freezes my spine and
runs down a chill
it was not me
who stabbed you
i didn't make the kill

Obscure Desire

In the still of the evening
without a soul to intrude
i let my heart ache
and try to worship your mistresshood

the flicking flame of the candle
invite my submittance to your embrace
a deleberate attempt to look in to your eyes
to feed you warmth, to feel your grace

your swollen eyes reflect the tale
of forgotten knights and adored gods
i wander for years in those lost terrains
and come back home with your tears and applaud

is it about your body, your smell?
(I am not Marv, I dunno how angels smell)
Is it about the way you laugh
is it about the way you say nothing
or is it just an obscure desire to chaff.